Someone asked me if I had a crush.
I thought on it for half an hour, and decided that I don’t.
I’m too afraid of opening up without knowing that I’ll be loved in return. I’ve lost love a few times, I’ve been confounded by it, but I’ve no horror stories or great wounds.
Maybe I don’t know what love is.
I write fictional romances, fetishise the long nights whispering secrets, comforting eachother while we struggle with life…
Maybe I’ve never felt true love, because I was raised to be cold, calculating, guarded.
Maybe I’ve felt true love, but let it go, oblivious to its value.
Maybe I feel empty, and I’ve tricked myself into thinking that love is supposed to fill that empty place.
Maybe I can’t feel love.
An imbalance of hormones and a few missing brain cells. That’s all it would take.
Maybe this is depression, and I’m too afraid of a diagnosis to find out.
Maybe I’m just throat-swelling, lips trembling, stomach-hugging, lung-rattlingly lonely.
Maybe that’s how I’ll always be.
Emotions are a mental/physical feedback system to determine the appropriate reactions in thoughtspace to environment. Fear tells us there is an external danger, disgust informs us of internal danger. surprise widens our focus to better observe the area, anger narrows our focus to provide swift reactions. Sadness informs us that an important thing is in negative value, Happiness just the opposite.
Love is not any of these things. It is not a fleeting emotion, tied directly to the body—although it and lust will work together. Love is wanting to give yourself to somebody else, be it in friendship, family, romance, or simple completion. What that means will vary from person to person, so it’s not always easy to see love; even mutual love can be invisible to someone who gives something else of themselves. (And that’s before we factor gender into the equation, let alone physical attraction…)
What is a crush? It is the start of love. The seed… but a seed untended will not grow, will wither away. And even those tended may never bloom. That is why people date; they are tending to their garden, but the thing about a crush is that it won’t grow with only one gardener. Oh, but when it does… when the small seeking greens whisper forth, round another just rising plant, and they bind and support and grow together, then you will see the truest and most dedicated of loves.
Romance is but the petals of a flower, and flowers can shed petals easily. Love in all its forms, though, will burst brightly before the petals flicker away to reveal a heartening, filling fruit that will never fade so long as the garden is tended. I do not doubt that you have felt love of at least one sort, and though I remain silent in words I tend to our friendship as best I can. I may not understand your troubles completely, but I hope that one flower at least will help you, and if you know the scent of one fruit then perhaps you will find another. Never give up hope.
BELIEVE IN THE YOU THAT BELIEVES IN ME THAT BELIEVES IN YOU I just ruined the moment didn’t I.